The Words given by My Parent That Helped Me when I became a First-Time Dad

"I think I was merely just surviving for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the reality rapidly proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver as well as looking after their infant son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… every stroll. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.

The simple phrases "You are not in a good place. You need some help. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more accustomed to discussing the strain on mums and about postpartum depression, less is said about the struggles new fathers face.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his difficulties are linked to a wider failure to communicate amongst men, who often internalise negative perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall every time."

"It isn't a show of being weak to seek help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - particularly in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental health is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a pause - going on a short trip abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Even with having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "bad decisions" when younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You turn to things that don't help," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a family member, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and if you can, sleep, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the safety and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they faced their issues, altered how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I'm better… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I think my job is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."