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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.